My self-esteem was not just low it was non existent I lived by the belief that I was broken that was my self belief that somehow I was not whole or worthy because I wasn't perfect .Time after time I was treated as if I was damaged, worthless, and unworthy of love .Although I believe he probably still believes I’ll contact him again.It’s amazing, [Lauren.] The more time your away, they stronger you feel. I get those frightened moments when I think my new boyfriend will just Abandoned me out of nowhere. It makes sense to stay out of relationships if you’ve just escaped from an abusive one because of the PTSD you probably have or even worse problems such as major depression–you need time to find yourself and work on yourself.We need to not have to be responsible for someone else’s welfare or self esteem or happiness for a while before taking the plunge into a new relationship.We need to take care of ourselves and find out who we are–whether that means going to therapy, writing a journal, turning that journal into a public spectacle like a blog or video diary, taking up martial arts, yoga, or finding God. Jumping into any new relationship–even with a non-narc–when you’re this vulnerable is almost guaranteed to fail and retard you in your self growth, and if you’ve been attracted to another narcissistic abuser (which is common in codependent, PTSD and Borderline women), you may wind up much worse when all is said and done. Narcs need their narcissistic supply; we codependents need our narcs. And with the source of the hurt removed, healing can begin.While certain wounds are healing, different ones—wounds hidden by the relationship itself—erupt in agony, not only endangering recovery but also making the survivor wonder if getting out was really worth it.
As I began to read the blog entries, I was struck by the fact that few men had posted.
I loved that she adored me, I loved being the savior, I loved having the answers, I loved giving my ex-wife the life that she never had as a child – but that was not a loving adult relationship. I would have continued in this cycle for who knows how long if she had not released me through her behavior during the separation.
I give thanks to god that it happened and that I have the opportunity to grow and make changes in my life and emotional well being. Recognize that you were attracted to this person for a reason.
These people who in one breath were telling me that they loved me and then with the next were tearing me to pieces . So because of this I spent many years living trapped in a cycle of self-sabotage and self-harm.
It went on for years, they told me I needed to be thinner so I starved myself, they told me that I was stupid so I tried to learn .